I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
A bitchslap is in order.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
