When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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