I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
