It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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