you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
