Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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