Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
