I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
