I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
