I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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