I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
