Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
