I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
