My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
