I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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