see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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