I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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