i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
