put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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