i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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