I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
