Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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