You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
