Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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