I want to make a zoo with you.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
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