seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
