Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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