onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
