You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
