He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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