you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
