My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
