I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
