margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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