checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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