I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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