Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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