just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
