the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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