I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize