dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You're completely useless in the revolution.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize