I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You should frame my arrest warrant.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
