my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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