I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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