i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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