$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
