I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize