it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
