You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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