Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize