Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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