Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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