remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
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